Forty + 75 days (ish)

I’ve had 2.5 months to get used to it, and I’m still not ‘there’.  I’m forty.  Four decades.  It’s not that it sounds old to me… it’s just that is sounds older than I am.

I was pretty comfortable around 37, even though I think I felt a little younger than that even then.  35 maybe.

Shouldn’t I have done something, y’know, spectacular by 40?  Is that the cause of so many mid-life crisises? They make it to 40 and look at their life and just see a day-to-day existence and think ‘oh no! I’m halfway to dead, I need to do something!’

I remember when I was in my late teens and still not five feet tall my parents were a bit concerned about when I was going to grow.  I think they were more worried that all the McDonald’s plain hamburgers I ate had a negative affect on my stature and they were feeling guilty for not making me eat my green-beans and stuffed peppers.  They took me to some specialists and various tests were completed.  One of these tests was an X-ray of my wrists taken in order to calculate my ‘bone-age’.  They can look at the bones and see if you are done growing by the way they fit together and such.

I think I was 16 or 17 and my bone-age was about 12.  I thought it was awesome… my bones were only growing at 3/4’ths my real age.. that meant I was going to live longer than most people!  And when I was 40, my bone-age would be 30! 

I don’t feel 30.

But I don’t feel 40.

In so many things I still feel like a kid.  F’rinstance, I had to go to the office on Monday since I had no internet at the house.  Over the wall I hear a man talking to the people he’s working with, his wife, his kids and his voice is strong with that absolute conviction and confidence.  He just seemed in complete control.  Master of his domain.  Man, I don’t feel anything like that.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my life.  Some days more than most… but am I the ‘master of my domain’?  Hah!   More than once each week in the course of my job and life I feel like the naive schoolboy again.  When does that naive schoolboy feeling go away?  And is that why that guitarist in AC/DC dressed that way?

Life is serious business… but I’m still not ready to take it seriously.  I’m forty, but I’m not ready to surrender to the seriousness.  Definitely not the seriousness that ‘forty’ entails.  No way no how.  Maybe that’s why I’m not really scared of having a mid-life crisis… I never really took life all that serious anyway… too fall even farther into the reliving the youth thing I’d have to start wearing diapers.  I’ll save those for when I go incontinent.

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